Trauma is a powerful experience that can leave deep, impactful wounds. It changes how a person sees the world and themselves, often making everyday life and relationships more difficult. Understanding trauma and its effects is the first step toward healing and restoring connection, especially in close relationships like marriage. My name is Sarah Sand and I am a marriage counsellor in Saskatchewan. In practice, I focus on both solutions in the present and processing minor or major trauma from the past.
The reason for focusing on trauma in marriage counselling is that people want to be better in their relationships, but unprocessed experiences from the past won’t let them. In challenging situations, traumatized individuals are stuck mentally and physically in the lie that the trauma is happening again. Trauma acts as a distorted lens, clouded by lies and shame. Yet there is hope. By processing the trauma, their mind and body are no longer hijacked, and the truth about themselves, their partner, and their marriage can begin to take root.
Trauma is a lasting emotional response to a distressing event that overwhelms a person’s ability to cope. When trauma remains unresolved, the ability to manage stress is lessened.
When a person encounters situations that look, sound, smell, or feel similar to the original trauma, the brain perceives danger and switches into high alert, activating the body’s fight, flight, or freeze response. During this time, the prefrontal cortex shuts down, impairing the ability to process information properly.
Trauma is subjective. How an individual interprets a specific event influences their ability to process it. However, sudden, life-threatening, or deeply violating traumas often have a stronger impact on everyone. Examples include violent crimes, serious accidents, war experiences, abuse, and adverse childhood experiences. To assess adverse childhood experiences, take the ACE Questionnaire for Adults. If you find that some of these experiences are affecting your health and the health of your marriage, get support for working through these experiences.
As discussed earlier, trauma is a lens through which a person views the world. A deep-seated fear of the trauma recurring can keep them in a constant state of protection, even when it’s not necessary. This lens distorts their perception of current reality and their spouse, allowing false beliefs to flourish. For example, someone who was abandoned or feared abandonment may interpret a disagreement as the beginning of the end of their marriage. These false beliefs and trauma-driven behaviours slowly erode the foundation of trust, commitment, and friendship.
For the individual, unresolved trauma may cause mental and emotional symptoms such as intrusive thoughts or memories, persistent anxiety, depression or hopelessness, and decreased cognitive processing, leading to reduced resilience and lower tolerance to stimuli. Physiological symptoms may include stomachaches, headaches, muscle tension, and a rapid heartbeat.
In marriage, trauma symptoms may manifest as trust issues and hyper-vigilance, insecurity within oneself or the relationship, emotional detachment causing loneliness and isolation, avoidance of connection and intimacy, communication breakdowns, exaggerated thinking, emotional outbursts, or inability to communicate effectively. Unhealthy relational attachments, such as anxious or avoidant behaviours, may be present.
At the root of unresolved trauma are lies. When triggered, the body reacts as if the trauma is happening again, reinforcing mental lies about oneself and others. Common thoughts include: "I am unlovable," "I am damaged," "I am a bad person," "I don’t deserve love," "I am to blame for what happened," "I cannot trust others," "People want to hurt me," and "Nothing good ever happens to me." These lies must be replaced with truth about oneself, others, and God’s love.
If you are suffering from unprocessed trauma, practice self-care, challenge lies as you recognize them, educate yourself about trauma, seek support from others, and obtain professional help. Specific trauma therapies can target these lies, helping process traumatic memories so they no longer trigger physiological responses.
If you are a spouse of someone with unresolved trauma, listen with empathy. Simply being heard without judgment helps your partner build trust and feel safe, which chips away at lies of being unloved and alone. Educate yourself about trauma to better understand your partner’s experience, encourage them to seek help, and be patient, as recovery can take time.
Trauma and its lingering false beliefs can be uprooted. Freedom from the grip of painful experiences is possible. There is hope for you, your partner, and your marriage.
To learn more about Sarah Sand and her counselling practice, visit this website.
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