It was 1999 and I was about to graduate high school and had just become a father. Not exactly the picture I or my parents had in mind.
Now, two more kids and 25 years later, there are definitely a few lessons I wish I’d known before entering this adventure called fatherhood, or at least sooner. Any dads out there with me?
Maybe you can draw a tip or two for your own journey from my hindsight and from my mistakes. Here are four things I wish I’d known and that I’m still working at living out.
In the early years, I had a specific picture in mind of what success looked like for each of my three kids and that caused some frustration in our relationships. But it’s been so freeing for me as a father to accept that success is going to look different for each of them.
Growing up in Canada, hockey was a huge part of my life, so naturally I wanted hockey to be part of their success stories too. But our son has cognitive disabilities, which limited his skill development, and our daughters weren't interested in hockey at all. And yet they have all found success in their own element. Our son has even represented Team Canada in floor hockey at the 2017 Special Olympic World Games in Austria. Our oldest daughter received academic scholarships for university and our younger daughter can play just about any instrument she tries.
I love being able to celebrate what success looks like for each of them, not what it looked like for me. That’s helped them feel affirmed and supported.
We have always encouraged our kids to follow where God leads them. Let’s be real though. How many of us say that but still have a picture in mind of what God’s plan should look like?
As our middle child looked into different universities, she was led to one 26 hours away, in a different country! Wait, what? That couldn't be God’s plan. How about something A LOT closer to home! But if we discouraged this direction in her life, my actions would not have lined up with my words. So we chose to celebrate this new adventure with her.
I wish I could say I’ve always done well in this area, but I haven’t. This was an example of a success, but there have been countless times where my actions have not lined up with my words and that has caused pain and frustration for our children. Ensuring my actions line up with my words has helped to build trust, security and love in my relationships with our children.
I cannot express this need enough: so many of my struggles as a father have actually been about me and not our children. I have had some major insecurities in my life. Being a teenage father thinking “I have to prove I can do this” was so unhealthy and it affected how I parented.
That’s just one area, trust me… there have been many. Learning to invest in my emotional health, learning about my family of origin, continuing to work at understanding my emotions and understand why I do the things I do, has enabled me to be a healthier dad, a better husband and all around better version of myself.
Have you ever blown things out of proportion? Your kid does something they weren't supposed to and suddenly it’s the end of the world! But in reality it was just a lapse in judgement or an accident. You with me?
I really wish I would have parented more out of my relationship with Jesus and how God parents me. With the grace He shows and the patience He has. It was a game changer for me when I learned to parent the heart and not just the immediate behavioural action.
So, those are a few thoughts from a dad who is on the journey. Keep at it men and know that I am praying for you!
Check out the special Father's Day episode below of the Marriage Talk Podcast. In this episode, Three Dad's Talking, Valerie interviews Sheldon, her dad (Terry) and Sheldon's Dad (David) on the joys, challenges and lessons of fatherhood. There's a whole lot of wisdom and heartfelt stories shared. This just might be their most personal podcast yet.