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Perspective: Take a deep breath and remember it has happened to someone else and you will get through this. There is hope. You may feel like your world is out of control, and it very well may be, but remember — it won’t stay that way forever. Consider another time life felt overwhelming; what helpful strategies aided in facing that situation? “What did you learn that applies here?” 

Focus on the Now: One-day-at-a-time can be a helpful encouragement: “I can get through today” (Or this hour, or this minute). What needs to be done today? Often a focus on the long term can be overwhelming. Focus on now and get through today. The thing about today is that we have enough energy for now, not enough to figure out the future and all the different scenarios. The Bible has some wisdom on this topic. Mathew 6:34 says, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Stress Strategies: Stress is a reality in a crisis situation. We all handle stress differently. Some need to talk; some need a quiet walk, others write or exercise. It’s easy to turn toward unhealthy ways of handling stress; however, they have short-term results. 

Emotional Help: We all need help at times. Finding help takes inner strength. A wise, trusted friend or mentor can be a gift during a time of crisis. Let them know you are hurting and what you need from them. Depending on the situation, you may need them to help you find the right help in the form of a counsellor, coach, intervention, etc. Many people find that in crisis, making simple decisions can be overwhelming, much less making big decisions. 

Practical Help: Help comes in many forms, like a meal, someone to talk to, someone to remind you of a different perspective, a gift, (money or food), a place to stay, babysitting, and so many other ways. We all need help at some point, so we can accept receiving help now and take a turn to help others later. A home church or community support program could be a good starting place. Here at FamilyLife Canada, we have online mentors ready to journey with you. 

Checking Emotions: Checking in with emotions is important to keep oneself informed by them, but also to keep them contained. It is very easy to let emotions make decisions in a time of crisis. At these times especially, it’s important to use our emotions as an indicator rather than a decision maker. Emotions are important, as they provide a barometer about our situation. That being said, emotions left unchecked can lead in an unhelpful direction if left untamed or shut out. So the bottom line is don’t ignore emotions, but don’t let them dictate decisions either.

Make a Plan: What needs to be done immediately? Is physical safety an issue? Can you function? Do kids need caring for? Make a plan. It may be helpful to find a friend or family-member who can help you make plans. Educating yourself about your specific crisis may be part of the plan. Know what you are dealing with, without assuming the worst.

Understand the Problem. Self, the Other, and context each matter in resolving a relationship issue. It is important to realize that every relationship problem involves at least two people within a context. Self awareness is important, asking questions like, “How have I contributed to the problem? How can I change? What are my attitudes and actions to address? Relationship resolution takes two. As I consider Self, I also consider Other. I cannot control their change, nor can I take responsibility for them, but their change (attitude, habits, decisions) matters too. The more we understand the problem, and each take responsibility to address our part within the context, the better prepared we are to face a crisis. 

Adapted from slideshare.net.

Be Comforted: Some people find that prayer and reading the Bible can be very comforting in crisis. Prayer can remind us that we are not alone — that God cares about you and your situation. One of our online mentors is available to pray with you. In the Bible, the author of Psalm 46:1 reminds us that “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

Take Breaks: Retreating to a book, a bath, coffee with a friend, or a movie can give us a mental break from the intensity of a crisis. Breaks can be a helpful way to re-group to face the challenges (without disappearing into avoidance).

Every marriage and family has problems and every family has its own version of “messy” (despite what social media images may portray). Sometimes these problems may appear to be hopeless — at least within one’s limited knowledge. But you are in the right place. This website offers many resources to help strengthen families.

FamilyLife Canada offers help and hope to families in several ways.

A marriage at any level of conflict (except in cases of domestic violence) can benefit from attending a FamilyLife Canada Weekend Getaway Marriage Conference. The Weekend Getaway is a three-day conference designed to strengthen and deepen marriages in a fun, romantic, and relaxed setting. 

“Our Weekend Getaway brought us so much closer together. We were able to unpack baggage that prevented us from getting unified. The tools can be applied right away, they are not too complicated to remember… the projects are so impactful!” (wife 7 years)

But, do we need more help?

The following are four levels of problems and helpful options to consider: 

• Basic issues – everyone experiences this level. 

• More serious – beyond basic, but not yet out of control.

• Desperation – issues are constant and you feel desperate. 

• Crisis – crisis has hit and you don’t know which way to turn.

As you seek help, ask a mentor and close, trusted, safe friends to pray for your family. This is a crucial time in your life and facing difficulties often requires hope to be nurtured within community. 

In addition to any support you may find in your community, we offer online mentoring. Note: we greatly encourage you to find help in your community from a safe, trusted,  and wise person.

Basic Issues: For level one (basic issues) and level two (more serious issues) we recommend finding someone to talk to. Start with a mentor, pastor, or safe, trusted, wise person. Some people are helped by finding a peer-group to join (community or church). Often, knowing “I am not alone” can be very helpful. Finding the right mentor is so helpful. Look for a couple who is further along in life, whom you admire. They can become a great resource to you as a couple. FamilyLife Canada offers mentor training and discussion guides.  

Examples of level one and two issues

1: Basic issue – every marriage experiences this level. For example:

• Difficulty in resolving conflict

• Little (or no deep) communication with spouse

• Misunderstandings about the sexual relationship in your marriage

• Poor financial habits

• Young child temper tantrums or sibling rivalries

Remember that family problems are the norm, not the exception. Difficulties happen to every couple or family at some point. Find help before things get out of control.

2: More serious – beyond basic, but not yet out of control. For example:

• The communication breakdown between you and your spouse is acute

• Not sure that the two of you are still in love

• Focus on priorities other than your marriage or family—jobs, hobbies, etc.

• One of you handles most of the discipline of children

• Frustration is a prevailing emotion in your family

• Chaos is prominent and parental support would offer new solutions

• Mental health issues disrupt one’s ability to function aptly

If this list resonates with you, there is a lot of help for you. Finding someone to talk to is no longer a nice suggestion, but a significant step. Gaining a different perspective is very important in serious family issues. Find an older, wise mentor couple or consider finding a counsellor. This page has a list of recommended counsellors by province. Help is available. We all need it at times.

3: Desperation – are you at your wits’ end?

Perhaps you feel a sense of desperation that things will never change. Then, it is definitely time for counselling. Are your issues like these?

• Communication with your spouse ends in anger, isolation, or hurt feelings

• Physical intimacy is a constant issue, or non-existent 

• One or both of you think about separation or divorce

• Issues of sex, drugs, or alcohol affect your family life

• Parenting burnout, emotional exhaustion 

• Mental health issues diminish functionality in the family.

These and other serious issues indicate that the problems are chronic. The issue(s) are growing with time. Problems become a constant companion. Don’t give up. There is hope. Hang in there and get help. 

A counsellor is trained and committed to helping you. Below we have a list of referral counsellors to help you know where to begin to find professional help.

A FamilyLife Canada marriage event is also very helpful for marriages at every stage (except those experiencing domestic violence).

4: Marriage Crisis – Have you given up?

If one or both of you have given up on the marriage, we consider this a marriage crisis and recommend contacting a trained (at the Master’s level or above) licensed clinical family or marriage counsellor, immediately. Also, find a resource related to your crisis. This can help with perspective. Identify some close, wise friends to pray with and for you. We also recommend a Weekend Getaway at this stage. We have seen couples arrive with divorce papers ready to sign and leave ready and equipped to save their marriage.

Examples of a need for counselling immediately:

• Separation or divorce is in process

• An affair is active or recent

• A teen talks of suicide

• You are sure your teen is abusing drugs and/or alcohol

If this description is a fit, start by asking a trusted person for a community referral to a counsellor. You can use our counsellor referral list below. FamilyLife Canada has vetted these recommended counsellors to the best of our ability as a service for you. However, we expect that individuals seeking counselling will research and evaluate their counsellor of choice. FamilyLife Canada is not responsible for your experience with a counsellor or counselling outcomes. 

We have seen families at every stage find help and hope and healing. You are not alone. We encourage you to get help today.

Relationships benefit from two healthy individuals. So if your spouse refuses to go for counselling, go without them. Sometimes, one person can change the direction of a relationship. Going alone can be a good place to start, and you will benefit from getting help. Since we cannot control our spouse, we respect their decision without badgering or punishing them. Take this opportunity to make personal steps toward health.

Millions of people around the world turn to prayer and the Bible as a source of help when dealing with difficult situations. Both offer comfort and the realization that you are not alone in this – there is hope and help. The Bible offers wisdom that is applicable here. Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Don’t give up. Pray that God will change his or her heart to be open to receive help. You might want to pray specifically that God will bring someone into your spouse’s life to whom he or she will listen. Also, ask God to open their heart to attend a marriage conference. A Weekend Getaway marriage conference has helped to set many couples on the journey towards healing and renewed joy in their relationship. This may be a less intimidating, yet helpful option for getting marriage help. There is no group interaction, just time for you and your spouse to focus on your marriage, communicating and spending time together.

In the meantime, you need people around you who will encourage you. Choose a friend, mentor, or go to counselling yourself. You might just be amazed at how things change as you focus on you! We also have trained online mentors available for you.

While FamilyLife is unable to provide counselling, we encourage you in your pursuit of a qualified, Christian counsellor trained to help resolve marriage or family problems. We consider it a strength to acknowledge this need for help. The Bible offers wisdom in Proverbs 15:22: “Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counsellors they succeed.”

STEPS TO TAKE

1. Pray for wisdom in finding a counsellor who is a good fit.  

2. Ask around for recommendations in your community for a qualified licensed counsellor. Or use our Referral Counsellor list below. Follow your instincts as you search and ask questions.

3. Look for a qualified counsellor, someone who:

• Can provide evidence of professional counsellor training and experience 

• Holds (at a minimum) a Master’s level degree from a counselling related program (e.g. Counselling Psychology).

• Is compatible with you both ie. you must feel comfortable and confident the sessions are helpful.

REMEMBER…

Counselling is an interactive process. It is built, established, and maintained on the basis of a trust relationship. Open and honest dialogue between a counsellor and client is critical in building trust. If you cannot establish this foundation of trust early on — if you are not confident that the counsellor will be wise, caring, and empathetic in your interaction — you may need to look elsewhere.

For more helpful information, see What to look for in a Counsellor.

While FamilyLife is unable to provide counselling, we encourage you in your pursuit of a qualified, Christian counsellor trained to help resolve marriage or family problems. We consider it a strength to acknowledge this need for help. The Bible offers wisdom in Proverbs 15:22: “Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counsellors they succeed.”

When looking for a counsellor, good fit is crucial; below are things to consider and questions to ask. It’s important to know if the counsellor’s training is appropriate to their services, what their experience is, and if they are going to be a good fit for you as a client both in personality and in light of your counselling goals. 

Good fit includes someone who…

• Is compatible with you ie. you must feel comfortable and confident the sessions are helpful.

• Can provide evidence of professional counsellor training and experience.

Counselling is an interactive process. It is built, established, and maintained on the basis of a trust relationship. Open and honest dialogue between a counsellor and client is critical in building trust. If you cannot establish this foundation of trust early on — if you are not confident that the counsellor will be wise, empathetic and loving in your interactions — you may need to look elsewhere.

The following questions can help you get a sense of their competency, training, clinical background, and whether they offer what you are looking for:

1. Where were you trained? What undergraduate and graduate degrees do you hold?

2. Where were your practicum / internship placements?

3. What professional training have you completed since graduating?

4. What is your professional practice experience? What settings have you worked in (Hospitals, Government Agency, Private Practice, Other)?

5. What experience do you have working with the issues I am dealing with? 

6. What is your approach to counselling? 

7. Optional: What do you enjoy about your work? Or What inspired you to go into counselling?

8. Optional: Do you bring a Christian worldview into your practice? How would my faith affect our work together?

*Counsellors trained properly will be comfortable to engage in this process and will not avoid these topics.

The counselling and psychotherapy profession is not regulated at the government level in all provinces; currently only four provinces are regulated, with a fifth in progress. Therefore, clients need to ensure their counsellor is licensed with a self-governing regulatory body that insists on professional standards. 

Legitimate counsellors and psychotherapists must have extensive education that includes a minimum of a master’s level degree training which begins with M. (e.g. M. Ed. or M. A. or M. Sc., MSW, MAMFT), indicating that the counsellor has a Masters degree. Educational designations of Ph.D., Psy.D. or Ed.D. indicate that the psychologist has a doctorate. 

Education or credentials should be readily accessible both online and in the office. Regardless of how official “looking” other licenses appear, they do not require the same standards of education or clinical training, so be careful of similar wording like “Master Counsellor,” which is not a Master’s degree; this a red flag. Those with appropriate training are confident answering these questions and displaying their credentials. If in doubt, ask for a registration number or card, to validate their credibility with a licensing body as listed below. Note: Some trained practitioners are in the licensing process which they should indicate. For example, “RCC Pending.”  

Canada Wide Credential

CCC, Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association (CCPA) is a national bilingual licensing body for professional counsellors and psychotherapists. The credential is a CCC designation.

Four Provincially Regulated Provinces

Quebec:  CCC or PP or C.O. Only one of 3 designations to look for. Regulation body.

Nova Scotia: CCC or RCT Nova Scotia College of Counselling Therapists

New Brunswick: CCC or LCT or CTA Licensed Counselling Therapist / Conseiller-thérapeute agréé 

Ontario: RP or CCC or Registered Psychotherapist. Only one of 3 designations to look for

in Ontario, you have to be a Registered Psychotherapist or Registered Social Worker (registered with their respective colleges) to be able to counsel.

Alberta (in process): CCC or CT or R. Psych Only one of 3 designations to look for.

For Provinces NOT provincially regulated, it is very important to look for specific regulating credentials. 

British Columbia: CCC or RCC or R. Psych One of 3 designations to look for. 

Prince Edward Island: CCC. One designation specific to PEI is Prince Edward Island Counselling Association (PEICA).

Manitoba: CCC or C. Psych or P.A One of 3 designations.

Newfoundland and Labrador: CCC or Registered Psychologist or  Provisionally Registered Psychologist 

Saskatchewan: CCC or Registered Psychology (R. Psych.), Registered Psychotherapist (R.D.Psych.)

Territories & Nunavut: CCC or Psychologist. LicensingHealth and Social Services.

It’s very common to have a friend facing marriage issues and be unsure of how to help. Here are ten tips for how to help:

1. DO — Listen, connect, ask questions, hold confidentiality, offer support and show empathy.  Then listen some more!

2. Don’t — Give advice, gossip, fix, talk a lot, offer platitudes, say “At least…”, offer silver linings, Show caring concern. We can’t fix the situation but we can listen and care. And, that’s what they need most.

3. Be available, but with boundaries. Through email, phone, or face-to-face, let them know you want to walk this journey with them as a reliable support. Offer reassurance that they are not a bother to you.

4. Help in practical ways. People in crisis need meals, childcare, groceries, etc. Being practical can be such a huge gift during a crisis.

5. Direct them to excellent resources. When they are ready, this website offers useful articles, online mentors, marriage enrichment conferences and events, as wel as resources for parenting, porn addiction, or sex/intimacy challenges. There is also a list of recommended counsellors. All are great resources to help hurting couples. But be mindful not to overwhelm them with “more to do.”

6. Pray for them. Prayer is powerful and we have it at our disposal anytime, anywhere. Respect time and privacy as we pray.

7. Empower their own decision making. This is their situation, not yours. Do not tell them what to do. They must make their own decisions. Our role is to offer perspective, encouragement, love, and support.

8. Do not badmouth the spouse. It is important not to bad mouth the spouse as we listen, as this can inflame the situation. If they say something negative, respond in an appropriate way without increasing the negativity.

9. Stay balanced. Be careful not to let their problems consume you. Make sure to prioritize your own family as you make yourself available. It can be incredibly draining to support someone who we care about. 

Be trustworthy. They have trusted you with their situation and you need to be worthy of that trust. Not even as a prayer request should you share details of their story. It’s their story to share, not anyone else’s.

Christian leader’s marriages also need help. We recommend attending one of our FamilyLife marriage enrichment events, finding a counsellor (see the referral list below on this page), or attending an Oasis retreat.

FamilyLife events help couples at all stages of marriage and Christian leaders are not exempt from family problems. Facing the difficulties at home and getting help is important to you, your family, and your ministry. Check out our Weekend Getaway Marriage Conferences. Look for our special pastor’s rate which applies to couples in which one or both spouses work in full-time vocational ministry.

We also recommend Oasis Retreats to address the challenges, demands and transitions of ministry life. Find refreshment and the opportunity to process your ministry journey with confidential counselling, relevant teaching, and group interaction.